‘Old habits die hard’. How to deconstruct bad habits.

We are creatures of habit, and our brains love it. Why? Because it takes the guess work out of what we are doing. So, when we try to change and our brains have got to do a little more thinking (even if it is for the good), we can find it hard. People tend to talk about how to build new habits but I want to talk about the importance of deconstructing an old (usually bad) one.  

When you want to form a new habit typically it will be because you are looking to break or replace another. But I don’t think you should just sweep the old one under the carpet. Because just like putting a plaster on a wound, the wound is still there underneath no matter how many layers you put on top of it. And while plasters help wounds heal, if we seek to understand the source of what hurt us in the first place, we are less likely to do it again. Alas deconstructing an old habit.  ‘Old habits die hard’ is a saying for a reason. 

So, how do we deconstruct a habit that we have held onto for years? Here are a few things I’ve found useful.

Acknowledge that breaking bad habits won’t be easy

When we are trying to change a behaviour or thought pattern that we’ve held onto for a long time, it’s not going to be easy. That is not to say it won’t be possible but you need to be realistic from the offset. It’s also important to understand that habits are not usually just one action or thought. They will be wrapped up in a lot of other things like a ball of elastic bands. At the centre you’ll have the actual habit i.e negative self-talk and wrapped around this might be years of emotions, memories experiences and maybe even traumas. All of which are associated with your habit. In summary, habits are complex and usually hard to break. But it is when we start to understand our habits, we can begin to uncover why we no longer want to engage in them.

Focus on why you want to change

Your WHY is important. Why do you want to change this habit? This is where you can start to unravel the elastic bands that I referred to earlier. Sometimes ‘why’ can be quite a big overwhelming question, so let’s break it down…  

Think about the way you feel when doing said habit. Think about the times where it’s not served you, and the emotions that have come up. Think about the ways your life will be better when these thoughts, feelings and emotions are not there anymore. Once you start to answer some of these you’ll start to pick apart (deconstruct) your habit(s), and help break the cycle and identify triggers that are keeping you swept up in it.

Let go of the ‘all or nothing’ mindset

Earlier I referred to the saying ‘old habits die hard’. The reason I believe this to be true is because it’s easier to live in a polarised world (i.e we do or we don’t do something), rather than accepting that sometimes we live in the middle, the gray area’ is what I like to refer to it as.  

When it comes to changing our habits, it’s difficult to wake up one day and decide we will never do it again and follow through with this. Some people can go cold turkey, and I admire those who can but the majority of us know what it’s like to try the all or nothing approach. This is why deconstructing an old habit is important, so you can work through why you want to change it. Because when we truly know why we do something or why we no longer want to, it gives us the motivation to keep going. Also, remember no one is perfect and slip ups do happen, and it’s important to forgive ourselves when we do.  

Good or bad our habits make up our past and it’s impossible to re write that. However, you can take what you’ve learnt from the past (by reflecting and journaling) and start to carve out what you’ll do differently in the future.

Slip ups happen because no one is perfect

Repeat after me, no one is perfect. We slip up, we make mistakes, we say we are going to do something and then we don’t, hey we are all human. Remember when you are making a change and breaking out of an old habit, you are essentially rewiring pathways in your brains. Some of these have been strengthened over years and years. Would you expect yourself to be fluent in a language after just a few lessons? No. So don’t beat yourself up if you slip up. The important thing is always the direction and as long as you’ve got your eyes on the road and not in the rear view mirror you’re going the right way. 

A time of change. The important lessons I’ve learnt.

I sit here writing this in the living room of our new house in Scotland . Up until last week, we had no furniture and were using a cushion fort as a makeshift sofa. Not to forget the mug I was using to drink coffee, water and Prosecco from. Despite all of the above, for the first time in a while, I’d felt the urge to start writing again. Nothing forced or inspirational just my honest thought reel that I wanted to get down on here.

There’s something about the challenges of 2020 that have taken me back to the year my dad died. Although very different circumstances, I still find myself drawing parallels between the two with one common denominator, change. 

Although we experience change daily like the change in weather or our schedules. Many of these minor adjustments to our day to day life are expected and don’t really affect us. But what about the big (sometimes unexpected) changes in our life? Like the new jobs, the breakups, the losses, and the big events that hit us with no prior warning. Whilst some of us thrive off change and take it in our stride when life throws a curveball. Others (me) are lovers of routine, and absolutely hate things not going to plan.

Whatever life throws at us we deal with it differently. The last four years have been filled with so many changes and challenges. They’ve taught me that it’s not the circumstances or events that happen but it’s how we handle them that dictates how they’ll affect our lives. It’s also taught me not to be fearful of what’s to come but instead accept that all good things (and bad) come to an end. I like to think I have some sort of control over my life but also accept that much of the big stuff I don’t and that’s ok.

Whilst this year has brought a fresh new set of challenges, there are a few lessons I’ve learned about change, especially unexpected ones, that I wanted to share on here.

Life really can change in an instant, so don’t put things off. I’m not talking about the washing or your household chores but the big things. Like taking that course you’ve been talking about, going on that trip, or reconnecting with an old friend. We really cannot predict what’s around the corner or how much ‘time’ we have. I don’t think many of us will ever forget the day the entire country went into national lockdown, over a virus that last year sounded like a sci-fi film plot. Or for me the day I found out my dad had died. We think we have time, and sometimes we don’t.

The only constant in life is change. Nothing stays the same. Our friendship circles, our houses, our jobs. We were built to evolve, adapt and move on. The good times do end, but so do the bad times. If it weren’t for change none of it would be possible.

It’s really hard to be prepared for the ‘un-prepareable’ so don’t waste your time trying to do so. ( I wrote a blog a while ago on this topic). You can’t predict the future, so getting worked up over worst-case scenarios that haven’t even happened yet is a waste of energy. Try to only focus on the here and now. While the thought of not knowing what’s to come can be scary, it also means that some of the best days of our lives are still to come and we don’t even know it yet.

Control what you can, but accept there is far more that you’ll never be in control of.  Make peace with that.

Life never goes the way you plan it to and that’s actually a good thing.  5-year plans, 10-year plans give us the illusion of control. But what we think we want in the future very rarely pans out that way. I look back on what I thought I wanted 5 years ago to now and it’s drastically different and in a way I’m grateful for it.

So before we write off 2020, it might have taught us more than we think.

Laura xo

“Today I am thankful for”. The importance of gratitude for a healthier, happier life.


“Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind.”

“Today I am grateful for… “

When was the last time you asked yourself that?

I like a lot of people can get lost in all of the things I want in life, whether it be career aspirations, material things or aesthetics. I then spend even more time on social media seeking out those who have all the things I want and convincing my self that once I get there I’ll be content. I’m not saying that I’m not already a happy person but I feel we sometimes place our happiness in that mythical time of “someday” and as we’ve all probably learnt, it’s not always as simple or straight forward as that. It’s funny how actually the closer you get to things you think you want the longer that road seems to become. I’m not saying it’s not right to strive for goals, be better, or do better, but I do think it is so important to appreciate what we do have today, instead of putting all our hope into tomorrow.

I wanted a life filled with pinch me moments, but when I truly reflected on it, it already was.

I’ve had a rough few years, when I really look back it was very hard losing my dad to suicide, not just the death itself but the grief , the depression, the anxiety, the breakdown in friendships, and the loss of faith in this world. But the hardship didn’t lesson on their own over time, it was my mindset that has got me to where I am today. I’ve always wanted a life filled with those pinch me moments and when I lost my Dad I felt as though I’d been robbed of that. But when I truly reflected on what I already had in my life, it was apparent that it was already filled with so many of them. I learnt that instead of yearning for what I’d lost I’d put my focus into gratitude and perspective and it not only got me through such a difficult time, it completely transformed my life.

That all being said, I don’t advocate being positive all of the time because I don’t believe as humans that it is possible. Life is hard, and we need the days where we want to scream, cry and sit on the sofa with ice cream and chocolate. Those lows help us appreciate the highs, but even in our worst days I do believe we can find one thing to be thankful for.

Everyday, I spend 10 minutes listing all the things I am thankful for. It’s usually on my drive to work, so I create mental lists but sometimes I feel it’s even more cathartic to write it down and stick it by my bed so that on the days I do feel sad (which I allow my self to be) it’s like a little list of hope that can really help me through.

So today, here are 10 things that I am grateful for…


  1. My mum. What a hero.
  2. My amazing family.
  3. My health, although I don’t openly talk about some health conditions that I suffer with I am generally pretty healthy, and my body allows me to do what I want it to.
  4. The years I had with my Dad, as some people have had even fewer with their own parents.
  5. My friends, who are my lifeline.
  6. The home I live in, one that’s warm, safe and has always been filled with love.
  7. My boyfriend who is just the most amazing, wonderful, caring person who came into my life at a time I didn’t even realise I needed him most.
  8. My job and the opportunities and friends it has brought with it.
  9. My ability to write and hopefully curate things that are meaningful to others.
  10. For you, I thankful for everyone to takes the time to read my blogs and reach out to me.

So how do we all incorporate a little more gratitude into our day to day life?

Here are a few of my top tips.

  • Start small. All habits start small, so on your daily commute to work, or the first thing you do when you get up in the morning, say to yourself one thing you are grateful for. If you find this difficult perhaps start every other day. It’s sometimes hard to look at our lives from the outside in, but I can assure you once you start finding the little things to be grateful for, you’ll notice your list growing.
  • Imagine life without. It’s easy to think about the things we don’t have in life but look around you at all the things you currently have, look at the people around you, the ones who you really couldn’t live without.
  • Look inside you. You’ve got some amazing qualities, we all do, it’s what makes us all unique. Spend some time listing those qualities, I mean someone’s got to big ourselves up.
  • Write it down. Make lists whether its mental or physical.
  • Pay it forward. Tell those around you that you’re grateful for them, show others how much you value them for being there for you and your life.

I truly believe that it is the simplest of habits that can lead to a happier life and for that I’m actually really grateful.

What are you thankful for?

Love always,

Laura xo

What my Dad’s suicide taught me about the importance of kindness.

I never knew how much my dad meant to people until he died. The number of people who reached out to me and attended his funeral made me realise how much of an impact he’d made in his 56 years. Perhaps if my dad knew how much he meant to people, things might be different but I leave that thought to the many ‘what ifs’ associated with losing someone to suicide.

The one thing that I knew all too well about my Dad was he was a big joker. His desire to be the class clown and make people smile was one of my favourite qualities. His quick wit, uncanny impersonations, and annual Father Christmas appearances portrayed my dad to be a man full of life. A ‘no worries’ kind of guy. This was the side to my dad that everyone around him saw and one he wanted everyone to see. However, the side that people didn’t see was the sensitive one, the side that cared deeply for other’s feelings and what they thought of him (a trait I’ve inherited). The side of him that maybe a cruel joke or comment would actually hurt a lot more than some might think. 

We all have our struggles and down days. Sometimes there are times where our problems make us question the point of it all. However, even when we want to be authentic and show our true selves, it’s still hard to portray it without compromising the person we want to be seen as. This combined with the pressure of perfection that comes with social media is why I think it’s difficult to open up and be vulnerable and admit that sometimes we can feel defeated by this big ol’ journey called life.

As it marks almost 5 years since my dad took his own life, it gets me thinking about the importance of something that I think we all need a bit more of in our lives… Kindness.

While we may feel as though we’ve not got time to help others among our own problems, I know now to be more aware that everyone is likely to be dealing with their own too. As I’ve become more mindful into the way our actions will always have some form of a reaction, I think it’s so important for us all to live a little slower, become a little more present and take those 2 minutes out of our day to do something kind for someone else.

Whether it is holding a door for a stranger, asking a colleague about their day or just giving a compliment to a friend to let them know how amazing they are. It’s the littlest touches and thoughts that we remember and although we don’t always see the instant gratification of our good deeds, that one thoughtful gesture can make someone’s entire day, especially in the challenging times we are facing.

Now more than ever we need to be spreading kindness, a quote I read recently really sums the current challenges we are all facing…

“We may not be in the same boat, but we are in the same storm”

Here are a few ways to that you can spread kindness… (COVID friendly)

At home and in your community

  • Call a friend that you haven’t spoken to for a while
  • Send a letter to your nan and grandad
  • Send flowers to a friend out of the blue
  • Offer to pick up some groceries for your elderly neighbour
  • Send someone a handwritten thank you note
  • Walk your friend’s dog
  • Tell your family members how much you love and appreciate them
  • Help your mum with household chores
  • Check on someone you know who is going through a tough time
  • Help a friend get active

At work

  • Get to know the new staff member
  • Lend your ear – listen to your colleague who is having a bad day
  • Say good morning
  • Give praise to your colleague for something they’ve done well

In public places

  • Be patient with people in the supermarket, it’s so easy to get frustrated especially now we need to be 2 metres apart. However, a little bit of patience, and a smile will go a long way.
  • Let a fellow driver merge into your lane
  • Pick up some rubbish lying around in the street (use gloves and hand sanitiser)
  • Smile and say hello to people you may pass every day, but have never spoken to before

It’s very easy in life to think you don’t have an impact but because of you, that cup of coffee you bought for a friend made that crap day they were having a little brighter. That book you recommended to a colleague has them spending every night getting lost in the pages of it. And that stranger you smiled at in the supermarket, perhaps that smile made them feel like they’re not invisible to everyone. Never underestimate the impact of the smallest acts of kindness in life, because you never really know when someone needs it most.

#Wordkindnessday2020

Laura xo

Some honest truths. #WorldMentalHealthDay

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Hey, it’s been a while ey?

Where to begin. I’ve struggled to write this year but as vulnerable as opening up about my story and past has made me, I truly believe that sharing and talking is the most cathartic thing you can do for your mental health and well being.

So let’s go back to 2017, my life was great, I had everything together (so it seemed). I’d ‘soldiered’ on through my dads suicide abnormally OK, and for the first time in my life everything was going right. I was working hard in the gym, financially stable, had an amazing network of friends and family and had even made the life altering decision to move to New Zealand. Unfortunately as 2018 rolled around, a desperate, dark sadness hit me with zero warning. Depression. WTF. Why was I suddenly crying everyday, couldn’t find the motivation to go to the gym, go to work or be sociable? Where had this fun, outgoing, positive character I’d been for the last 18 months gone? I want her back now. I put it down to moving to the other side of the world. Perhaps I was homesick, perhaps it would take time for me to adjust, and maybe I just needed a job, new friends, a new gym and I’d be OK again. So that I could be the ‘old’ me again. So I found all of the above, and I again seemingly on the surface, had everything to live and be happy for. So, why was I so desperately unhappy and why was nothing bringing me joy anymore?

The months moved past slow and my mood had not lifted and I had to be honest with my self and admit it was most likely depression. But how? I’d spent 18 months “dealing” with my dad’s death, doing all the the things the books had told me. I even wrote a blog on coping with grief!? Again, this inability to understand what was going on and why I couldn’t control it, consumed me in such a way I decided to come home and move back to the UK. The disappointment of something you’d wanted so badly fail and seeing others thrive in a lifestyle you’d always dreamed of felt like a punch in the stomach. Why is it everyone gets to be happy apart from me? After all I’d been through, surely I deserved a shot at happiness too? The victim in me came out and the “why me” cried louder than any other thoughts in my head for a few weeks after coming home. Although I desperately tried to cling on to the “it was the right decision”, the depression was still there. For the first time in my life, I felt zero control over it. This feeling was suffocating the joy out of everything I used to enjoy in life. I again tried desperately to cling onto the fact that I was ‘over’ my dad so it couldn’t possibly be that. I thought I was over it, I thought I’d got through it but unfortunately this couldn’t be further from the truth.

So I started counselling. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have it, when my dad died I always knew it was something that I’d need to do but it was more a matter of the right time. Although I could talk about my dad’s death without even a tear in my eye, I knew one day, I’d truly need to face up to a life without him. The new normal, the one that we all experience when a loved one dies. But even when you’ve read all the self help books, practise mindfulness, meditation and have ultimately accepted that  yes, “time is a healer”, that doesn’t eliminate the pain and sadness of grief. However, I’d also come to the abrupt realisation that avoiding it doesn’t either. It quickly dawned on me that all the “dealing” I’d done over the past 2 years had actually been a form of avoidance. A safety net that my own mind had given me to protect me from the sheer monstrosity that was my dad’s suicide. Even though I felt ‘fine’ in the passing months after my dad died, the reality of it all was actually, it had taken almost 2 years to really set in. and when it did… My god did it hurt.

Depression is horrible. But what’s more horrible is hiding it because it’s so isolating as it is. Am I ashamed to admit that I’ve struggled with it? No. Because even if it’s a part of me, it’s not me. Just like it’s not you.

Be brave, be strong, and know that you’ve got through 100% of the bad days so far, and that’s pretty awesome.

Take care of yourselves and remember, we’re all fighting battles that you don’t always see.

Laura xo

 

Stuck In A Rut? How To Tackle The Negative Thinking Cycle.

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Have you ever reflected on a moment in time or a particular period of your life and questioned the purpose of it?  The “I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going” moments. Or perhaps you find yourself in a mindset that you feel you can’t shift and have very little control over.

I’ve previously written about why it is ok to not have your life together or know where it is heading 100% of the time (even when everyone around you does). However, in the most severe times of uncertainty the “it will all be ok in the end” advice, doesn’t always ease the mentally taxing effects of not knowing how it is all going to pan out.

When you are not entirely sure where your life is heading, it can leave you feeling caught up in a fairly negative rut. The lack of direction in your life, can lead to a lack of motivation. The waiting for your big breaks, are made even more difficult when your best friend or colleague gets theirs and watching your peers buy their first home or get engaged, can hammer home how together their life is in comparison to your own.  These events alone are discouraging at the best of times but the broadcasting nature of social media, can makes it even more difficult to escape from.

So if you’re feeling caught up in the cycle of uncertainty or find yourself in a bit of a negativity rut , here are some ways to get that head out of the sand and into the sun.

1.Practise Positive Affirmations

Something as simple as telling yourself each day something you can do or like about yourself as opposed to things you don’t, can make a huge difference when it comes to breaking out of a negative mindset.

 “Affirmations are positive, specific statements that help you to overcome self-sabotaging, negative thoughts. They help you visualize, and believe in, what you’re affirming to yourself, helping you to make positive changes to your life and career.”

What we tell ourselves we can do (or can’t do), has a huge impact on what we will go on to eventually do. As you’ve probably gathered from anything I have ever written, I believe your mindset affects everything from your motivation to start something, to the end result and essentially provides the underlying foundations for everything you do. Similarly, how you talk to yourself internally, very much determines both the relationship you have with yourself and the person you are externally.

It is a too common belief, that our mindsets are fixed. However a negative mindset can be learnt and become habitual just like any other unhealthy habit (like drinking or smoking) and like smoking isn’t good for your body, negative self talk is just as damaging to your mind.

2. Acknowledging Negative Thoughts 

If you are stuck in a negative rut or you’re not happy with where you are in life right now, waging a war with your own thoughts isn’t going to make it any better.  What I mean by this is, try to counteract the negative thoughts instead of encouraging them. Acknowledge the feelings of being stuck, low or unhappy and don’t carry on engaging in behaviours that simply perpetuate the cycle. For example,  If you are unhappy about your weight and know that comfort eating makes you feel worse, avoid these behaviours, as these will only keep you caught up in a pattern you are trying to break.

3. Take Control Over Your Social Media (and unfollow).

Social media is used for a lot of beneficial purposes. It can be a place to post, share memories and beautifully captured photos and videos but also has the ability create a huge wave of lifestyle comparisons. I will admit that I do enjoy scrolling through Instagram, seeing what my friends are wearing or the amazing places they are travelling too. I also follow a lot of accounts that for me are inspiring and their way of thinking/living really resonate on a similar scale to my own. For these reasons I would never permanently delete social media (but perhaps limit my time spent on it).

However other accounts can leave me feeling a little deflated about myself or maybe their values and moral just do not echo mine.  We have very little control over what other people post online and I do believe everyone should have a certain level of freedom when it comes to their social media. However, what makes someone else inspired , happy or self satisfied may not necessarily do the same for you. It’s your responsibility to control who you let influence you and allow yourself to follow. In a time when you’re not feeling particularly content with your own life, the last thing you need to be following are accounts that make you feel even worse.

4. Or Better Yet Switch It Off  

Take sometime offline, explore other ways you could fill your time (try reading, writing, painting, exercise).  I can tell you it is hard to switch it off for a while because like it or not social media is addictive. However taking some detox time from your online persona’s can actually improve productivity, focus and even your mood.

“Sometimes it’s about creating a life that feels good on the inside, as opposed to concentrating on one that looks good on the outside.”

5. Take Small Steps (but do them daily) 

I spend 10 minutes each day listening to motivational speeches, why? Because somedays I also can wake up and see little point or feel directionless. I am a firm believe that the things you read and listen to now, will determine who you are in 5 years time. Dedicate 10 minutes each day to some form of ‘healthy’ habit’ i.e something your future self will thank you for.  This could be meditation, stretching, writing, reading up on recipes or doing a couple of squats (your future bum will thank you).  It really is the small things that will make the most change.

“Your future depends on what you do today”- Ghandi

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One of my favourite quotes to live by is “this too shall pass” because if we can comprehend that even the good times have to end, then we should also find comfort in knowing the difficult and uncertain periods will end too.

Laura

xoxo

How My Dad’s Suicide Taught Me To Live More In The Moment.

Living In The Moment Blog

The image above is owned by https://traineracademy.org

The phrase  “live for the moment” is something most of you probably associate with hippies or spiritualists. I will openly admit that despite having heard a lot about the benefits of becoming more present and mindful, it wasn’t something I’d regularly practised before. For the majority of my life I’ve always been someone who seems to wish my life away.  I’d look ahead and decide that once I’d achieved certain goals or reached certain milestones in my life, it would be then I would start to truly live my life or be fully satisfied.

However, in July last year when my dad decided to take his own life, understandably my entire world and my families was destroyed. In a decision that to this day I will never understand but will hopefully one day learn to accept, it made me realise how quickly someone can be there one day and not the next.

After my dad’s death, I was pushed into a time where living in the past was too unbearable and focusing on the future brought on a great deal of anxiety.  Focusing on what I’d lost brought me to the harsh realisation that all memories we’d shared would be our last and focusing on the future meant thinking about a life without my dad. My inability to look backwards or forwards, forced me to focus on each day as they came and practise what I’ve referred to as ‘living in the moment’.

Although it took such a pivotal moment in my life for me to engage in this way of thinking, living in the present truly taught me how to accept moments for what they are and to enjoy the little things that happen day to day.

Here are some of the other lessons my dad’s suicide has taught me about living in the moment and perhaps some advice we could all use to help us become more present.


Take One Positive From Each Day

From the moment we wake up, one bad thought or moment can make us feel as though the whole day will follow suit. However, it’s as if this way of thinking will cause the day to go badly because we expect it to. So despite everything that could go wrong in your day, find one thing you can be grateful for.


Dream About The Future But Work On It Every Day

Its ok to find your self daydreaming about what you want in life and what you want to achieve and how happy you may be when you get there. However your goals, passions and dreams don’t work unless you do and the way you utilise your time daily is what will define your future.


Don’t Focus On Old Failures

What you didn’t achieve 10 years ago, should not define you now. In fact it has probably shaped the person and experiences you have today. If you were rejected for a job because you “weren’t experienced” enough or went through a breakdown of a serious relationship, it’s important for you to use these experiences as learning curves. However do not think that what didn’t go right for you in the past will necessarily go the same way now. Try, try and try again.


Conquer Your Addictions Now

Addictions we have developed in the past can cause us to also live in it. Junk food, smoking or alcohol addictions can cause us to live in a body, mind-set or lifestyle that perhaps we’ve wanted to part ways with for many years. Despite all of this, we still wait for the perfect moment or time to tackle our addictions and never end up starting because the perfect time doesn’t exist. There really is no better time than today to tackle them because even if you don’t, time is going to pass you by anyway.


Some days I wish I could have seen my dad’s death coming, so that I could of said more or done more. However there are few things in this life we can control and one of them is the way we deal with it. Learning to live in the present shifted my mind-set away from the anxiety of trying to control the future and the guilt of not being able to change the past, to one that instead questioned what I could to do today to make it a better one.

In all of this, the most important lesson I’ve learnt is that life is hard and it doesn’t always give us reasons to be happy but dwelling on the past and worrying about the future won’t give us one either.

Laura xo

The Main Things Holding You Back From Reaching Your Goals And How To Overcome Them.

 

I used to think that procrastination was just inbuilt into my personality. At school I’d always put homework off, at university I’d put deadlines off and in adult life I would defer ‘adulting’ tasks until next week or next month. Now I know I’m not alone in this behaviour, I feel as though us millennials are some of the biggest procrastinators because in the age of social media, it’s by far easier to scroll through Instagram than face up to life’s daily tasks.

I guess some things we can forgive for putting off such as house chores, clearing out your emails or making that tricky phone call. But one thing we shouldn’t be putting off is our dreams. It seems as though these days, it’s easier to put our dreams on hold and come up with excuses instead of pursuing them . We seem to convince ourselves that we will start that goal next month or plan that dream for next year. However making those promises to ourselves doesn’t make time go any slower. Next month will soon become tomorrow and next year will creep up on us and yet our dreams will still be left unopened and unexplored.

So why is it we seem to put our dreams off? I think we all have this fear, a fear that when we reach them they won’t be as good as we imagined or hoped they would be. So instead of being hit with disappointment, we avoid ever finding out. Personally, I’d rather live knowing that I tried than living with the unknown and what- ifs.

So here are some of the things that are holding you back and why they shouldn’t be…

1. Self Doubt Will Kill Your Dreams Before Failure Does

Self doubt can be really inhibiting and the same goes for fear. As humans, when we are faced with times of fear our bodies are designed to either fight or flight. For many of us the option to run seems like the safe one but by doing so we then avoid facing up and fighting through the things that scare us. In addition to this, when we experience one failure in life, it makes us think we can’t do it and give up. However the the only time you do fail is when you give up.


2.You Fear The Unknown 

Going for your dreams and goals will include sacrifices but the things you may need to sacrifice are usually what are holding you back and preventing you from reaching them. So you need to lose the familiarity and start to get comfortable with the uncomfortable because the greatest things will grow from there.

Vincent Van Gough- “Normality is walking a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it”.


3.Your Motivation Is Lacking.

If I said to you that I would pay you a million pounds to be up and in the gym at 5 am everyday for the next 3 weeks, would you do it? Of course you would.  However money and external influences may be enough to motivate you for 6 months but I believe that the drive from inside us is by far more powerful because you’re in charge of it and don’t need to rely on any one else for it . So how do we get motivated and where can we find it? I believe when it comes to motivation your why is key, it’s the fundamental purpose and reasoning behind what you’re doing. With most goals you need to establish your why because this is what will get you started. Once you’ve established it, determination, consistency and resilience is what you will need to keep you going.


4,You Don’t Know Where to start.

Who does? But you’ve got to start somewhere, so make a plan, break down your goals into smaller ones and take one baby step at a time. Big dreams are daunting because although we know what we want, we can’t see the definitive path to getting there. Remember you may not always be able to see the finish line but your inability to see it, does not mean you won’t get there.


5. You Don’t Make The Time/ You Think You Don’t Have It.

Do you think any CEO of a company or any Olympic athlete had more than 24 hours in the day? No, but the difference is they utilize their time better. Everyone is given 24 hours in their day, so spending 30 minutes a day on your dream is only 2% of it. So there’s no need to worry, you’ll still have 98% left for ‘Netflix and chill’.
So stop putting your dreams off, embrace the unknown and start making them happen because wasted time is time we can never get back.

 

 

Laura xoxo

Coping With Grief: The Things I’ve Learnt

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http://elitedaily.com/wellness/crucial-lessons-you-learn-about-grief-after-losing-a-loved-one-in-your-20s/1813031/

 

Everyone at some point in their life will experience grief and loss, its an unfortunate, inevitability of life. The reason grief is so challenging is because it manifests itself physically, psychologically and even spiritually (when you start to doubt your beliefs as to why something so terrible could happen). I’ve learnt that grief is never a straight line or a series of stages like the ones proposed. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, you may feel all of them at once or you may feel depression before denial, there is no set order and there is no set rule book to say you’ll experience them all either.

I’ve spent the last few months cowering away from this subject because I very much want to promote being positive however I feel that isn’t a very true representation of life and especially mine. Life isn’t always positive and quite frankly its pretty shit sometimes. Seven months ago my dad committed suicide. A death that not many people have to deal with nor a death that I thought I ever would and especially to someone so close to me. The day my dad died it was like I became two people, the person I was before he died and person I now was. I knew that day my life would never ever be the same again and at that point that was probably about the only thing I did know.

At some of my worst points of dealing with grief (not that i’m by any means completely out of them) especially in the first few months after my dad died I truly believed life would never go on again but here I am. Reflecting on the last seven months, I wanted to share some of the things i’ve learnt about coping with grief and to any one who’s going through a loss or similar experience, maybe some reassurance you’re not alone.

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1.Your loss is completely unique to anyone else. Despite other people who have gone through a similar experience to you, it will never be the same. You will feel isolated in your grief because to you no one truly understands your loss, how could they? They didn’t know the relationship you had with the person or the experiences that you shared.

2.Grief will not and should not define you or the rest of your life. I remember in the weeks after my dad died. I said to my boyfriend “well that’s my life ruined”. I felt as though i’d never live a ‘normal’ life again. I’d never get that ‘normal’ experience of having my dad walk me down the aisle or that my children would grow up with only one Grandad as opposed to two. I became so consumed in the way in which my life had changed so negatively and so dramatically, I could only focus on the things that losing my dad meant I would never have. From this I became very bitter and resentful and after a few months I knew I had to make sure I wouldn’t let my dads death define me or my life. No matter what, i’m still here to live and to any one who’s lost someone through illness, accident or like me suicide, you should never let it define yours too. No matter how unfair, cruel you feel the world has been to you and justifiably you’ve lost someone you care about however remember you are the one still here to live. It is and will always be a natural feeling to mourn, miss and wish for the person to be back with you just so that you could have that one more conversation or just to give them one more hug. Unfortunately the harshest part about death is its unchangeable, finality and for that reason you need to live your life for them, for you but most importantly because you deserve too.

“Grief does not change you, it reveals you”

– John Green, The fault in our stars

3.Don’t just go through grief, grow through grief. No one ever asks to lose someone they care about but unfortunately It happens and normally when we are least expecting it or even less so prepared for it. Grief is one of the biggest challenges you will ever face in life. You’ll think at stages that you’ll never get through it, I still have those days now and I’m sure I will do for years to come. But as the months pass, when I look back I can’t believe how far I have come, even though if I have a bad day now I feel like i’m back at the beginning of the grieving process. Just like any obstacle in life you face, once you over come it that disbelief of “how the hell did I do that or get through that ” overwhelms you and it’s the same with getting through grief, there will come a time that you’ll see how far you’ve come. When that time comes you will be 1000% be stronger and know a strength that you never knew was there to begin with. Hold on to that strength, utilise it because you never know when you might need it again.

4.Grief is not linear nor time limited.Everyone is different, everyone has adapted and acquired different coping mechanisms throughout their lives which means that the time it takes for someone else to heal, is by no means a reflection of how you are doing. Imagine grief on a graph, the initial few months showing the graph dramatically curve up and down reflecting the several different emotions we experience after losing someone. This grief line will consume most of our waking thoughts, controls our moods and behaviours. However there comes a time when it starts to tail off, for some it could be after six weeks for others it could be six years, but have faith in that time coming. When it does come, it does not mean you are done with grief, for me I don’t know if I ever will be. However there will be a time that your life line (for example your passions, hobbies, work and interests) will simply coincide with your grief.  Don’t see this as a negative, I try not to instead I see it as being in control of my grief. It may always be there but one day know that life and grief will be two lines that can run parallel with each other.

5.You will have no choice over the times when grief overwhelms you but you can choose how you cope.I’ve had breakdowns in shopping centres because i’ve heard my dad’s favourite song or i’ve been out running and a thought comes into my head and thats enough to set me off. The main thing though is how you deal with these moments, accept them, embrace them and at no point think it’s a sign of weakness or lack of coping.

6.The world keeps going and so must you.After losing someone, your whole entire world and being comes to a halt. Nothing seems real or fair anymore. You watch the world around you and ask “how can they go on with their lives, when i’m going through this?”. It’s so natural to feel this way, I hated the world after my dad died, why did others get to be happy and not me? You may also feel like blaming and questioning yourself, “could I have done more?”, “should I have spent more time with them?”. This blame stems from our subconscious because by blaming ourselves it gives us some control over a situation in which we have very little.  No matter what type of death you’ve gone through know that blaming yourself is the longest road to healing.

To end this post, after binge watching Orange Is The New Black, I heard a quote that really resonated with me….

“Pain is inevitable because life is frickin’ painful, but suffering is a choice”.

You can’t let the weight of grief choke all the joy out of your life. Grief will come in waves throughout your life but even the worst ones will make you a stronger swimmer and in the words of Dory from Finding Nemo, sometimes all we can do is “just keep swimming”.

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Laura xoxo

 

2017 New Years Resolutions? Why You Should NEVER Set Them.

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New Years Eve a time for booze ups, resolutions and all round chaos . For most of us it’s about seeing off the year and seeing in the new year with hope and prosperity of it being better than the previous. While I love the optimism and quite frankly I think it’s great to want the New year to be better because no one exactly wants it to be worse do they? But it’s the way we go about it that we are doing wrong….

New Years Resolutions.

The typical new year new me mindset really plagues us all come January 1st but put your hands up if you’ve ever set a New Years resolution thats failed (my virtual and actual hands going up here). Some of the most common resolutions include to lose weight, eat healthier, BE healthier, stop smoking,take up a new hobby etc etc. The problem with these examples are although they can be communicated in very few words, they are actually very big and complex . It’s one of the main reasons that people don’t achieve their resolutions because they are too large to tackle and therefore either go hell for leather on them for 2 weeks and fall off the wagon because the extremities of them are not maintainable or just the sheer prospect of approaching them is enough for them to go running for the hills (I guess for those whose resolution is to run, they may be power walking to those hills ).

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Here are my five top tips for new years resolutions…

1.DON’T SET THEM:  New Years Eve is like an over dramatic Sunday. To elaborate, in the year when we are starting new diet, gym regime etc etc,  we always tend to hide behind the trusty “i’ll start on Monday” excuse and thats similar to the New Years mentality in December “i’ll start in the New Year”. It dosen’t help that Christmas starts in November and Christmas themed cake and chocolates are flowing from office cupboards and supermarket aisles, so it’s no wonder that we don’t want to start the diet until the ‘new year’. I feel we wait for the new year like it’s a Monday ‘the magical day where every thing will start and happen’, but all that does is put it off, creates this excuse and everyone knows nothing grows from avoidance and excuses. Instead of waiting for the New Year where no doubt by one AM New Years day, your in the kebab shop inhaling cheesy chips and potentially puffing on that cheeky cigarette (there goes those two resolutions you set) look at the new year as a fresh start, don’t put all your hopes in one days worth of resolutions, because like Monday when the new year comes around and you may have already messed up on those resolutions, you don’t want to be waiting for a whole year to start them again.

2.Why wait for the new year?  To elaborate on the last point, why are we waiting for Mondays and New Year’s to make a change? February 1st is as good as January 1st, just like starting your diet on a Wednesday is JUST as effective as starting on a Monday. Stop waiting, start DOING.

3.Set GOALS not resolutions: according to the dictionary a resolution is defined as: a firm decision to do or not to do something. Now compare it to the definition of goal:the object of a person’s ambition or effort; an aim or desired result. See theres a huge difference, resolutions tend to be things your NOT going to do, where as goals are things you ARE going to do and want. Goals relate to desires and achievements and to me even the word sounds more appealing than resolutions and more importantly the definition behind goals are about adding to your life and resolutions most of the time seem to be about taking things away.

 

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4.Make goals SMART: Specific/small, measurable, achievable, realistic, time based.

Specific, it’s SO  important to be specific about your goals but also sometimes when they are big ones like lose weight, you need to break them down into smaller more manageable goals such as, go the the gym 3 times a week (or find an exercise you enjoy… check out my “5 things Exercising Consistently Taught Me“).

Measurable, take weight for example it’s easy to measure weight isn’t it?  You can use the scale number or clothes size etc but how do you measure for example “to be more confident”. First things first that type of goal needs to be broken down into smaller more specific goals such as, doing a presentation at work or start reading more self development books. When the goals are specific and small enough it’s easy to measure it, even if you have to get creative.

Achievable and Realistic, now I truly believe if you set your mind to it you can achieve anything, however setting a goal for example to run the London marathon on two weeks training and you’ve not run for 5 years just ‘ain’t gonna happen is it?’. Being realistic is more for your benefit than anything else, because by being realistic your more likely the reach that goal instead of being disappointed when your striving towards something that’s not.

Time based, now i’m not a big believer in time scales and saying the end goal should be achieved in 2 months or 6 months, especially if they are big ones. I do think though in order to keep on top of your goal and tracking it, once you’ve broken your goals down into micro goals A,B,C these I feel should be time based. So for example a main goal may be to learn a new language, first step in achieving that goal (micro goal A) is to pick a language, now this may take some time doing some research in terms of class availability and proximity, but if you give your self the time scale of 6 weeks to establish the language you want to learn, then that way you are keeping on track to achieving the goal.

5.Goals are for life, not just for New Years:  Never stop setting goals, as humans goals keep us focused, keep us inspired and driven. Without goals we simply can become autonomous. When ever you reach your goal never just stop there, each goal you set and achieve you will grow from. Therefore big or small always have at least three goals in your head, it doesn’t matter if at that specific time you’re not striving towards all three, but it’s so important to our mental well being to have that passion to achieve something. Keep in mind that not all goals can be achieved in a year, for example if you’ve got a goal to buy a house, then likely hood is that goal will take you longer than a year, therefore if you’ve broken down that goal into micro goals for example micro goal A setting up a bank account to START saving into, you can achieve lots of micro goals in the one year but the main goal may take you two.  In addition to this goals such as to ‘get fit’ and ‘stop smoking’, these are life style changes although the initial goal is to get your fitness up or stop smoking cigarettes, maintaining that for the rest of your life is the ultimate one.

 

No matter what you do in 2017 keep setting goals and keep smashing them, the only one who can do that is you.

 

Laura xo